We just wrapped up our fourth weekend of Yoga Teacher Training (YTT) and thoughts have been swirling through my mind since.
These past few weeks, I have been beating myself up for many things; not doing well the first time I practice taught, feeling like I’m not cut out for this yoga teacher thing, not being able to do yoga with the rest of the class. And outside of YTT, I have come down on myself for not being the mom I expected to be right away, for not having the time to dedicate to any of my personal projects among other things. It seems anytime I experience a new level of growth, I begin questioning myself and doubting my ability to get through the process.
This weekend a lot of the feedback from the training was around putting your teacher hat on and observing the needs of the room while teaching. Becoming a teacher in anything isn’t as easy as it seems, it’s not just about loving something and sharing that information, it’s also about recognizing what and where the needs are for the people receiving the information. So I thought more about what that all means.
A New Perspective
I came home after class and shared some of my philosophy learnings with my husband. As I spoke, I realized some of these concepts are foreign to many people, especially if they don’t study it or read about it. So I had to break it down in ways that made sense to someone hearing about it for the first time.
And then it just clicked!
“In learning, you will teach. And in teaching, you will learn.” ~unknown
The first two weekends of the training I was in my last weeks of pregnancy. I waddled into the studio for the first time and saw all of these beautiful bodies moving gracefully about the room and thought to myself “damn when will I get there again” and “I should have done this training before when I was fit, or later when I’m fit again”.
I have been so focused on myself, and not in the right way; focused on how I look, how I sound while teaching, am I projecting my voice enough, do I look like a yogi in this outfit, how am I coming across. And lastly, I have been focusing on what the past [so called “fit”] me would have done to overcome these barriers. But I totally forgot what brought me to this training in the first place.
I didn’t sign up for this to perform on a stage and recite a yoga flow. I signed up to help people. Help them realize their potential and guide them there. To learn how to deliver that message in a way others would understand. To enlighten and inspire people. I have been rushing through the yoga flow because I was so concerned with getting the lines right, that I forgot to pay attention to what people actually needed to hear in order to the absorb and understand the information. And trying to explain what Kundalini was to my husband made that all clear to me.
So knowing this, how do I move past these thoughts of insecurity? What am I holding on to that is hindering my progress?
“Every next level of yourself will require a different you” ~unknown
I’m holding on to my past and creating an expectation for the future based on what I know so far and what I have done.
In my previous posts, I have incorporated yoga as a metaphor for events that occurred in my life. I felt that the asanas (yoga postures) were what sparked the inspirational thoughts behind my writing. I would see the connection while attempting a pose and how that translated to my personal and professional life and then write about it.
Now, I felt that, without being able to practice the way I used to, I couldn’t find the motivation to create and grow through life’s daily pressures. Almost as if they were my “limitless pill” I became addicted to. I was basically telling myself “wait until I’m able to really move again, then I’ll be able to continue through life”.
The asanas were my life vest and now I have thrown myself into to the deep end of the pool without it, even though I know damn well how to swim.
“If you ask for bigger impact, expect bigger challenges” ~unknown
I have challenged myself to become this whole new person but I’m not trusting the growth process. Rather than allowing the evolution to transpire, I’m doubting myself and stressing out trying to control and define the process. These new challenges require a new me, I’m not going to become a better person with the same thought process and patterns.
Forever A Student
I feel like in life, we get so caught up in comparison not just to others but to ourselves. To the person we once were before times got a little tough or to the person we are striving to become. Or a combination of the two.
This comparison, I believe, creates the expectation of what we believe we are supposed to do to move forward, rather than allowing that process to unfold on its own. As I mentioned in this post we have no idea what is in store for us, and when we try to define it so that we can prepare ourselves, we are just resisting the change.
I’m not saying I’m going to go into training next month and totally kill it! But I am much more aware of what has been stressing me out and now I’m going to work towards clearing that path. I’m learning to be a mom, I’m learning to be a teacher, I will forever be life’s student. Wish me luck!
What next level are you resisting? What are you holding onto you believe you need in order to grow? Remember that you don’t need anything but yourself. Let go and flow.
“Every step back exists solely to spark a catapult forward. Know this and trust you’ve made no mistakes. – unknown